Shedding, Softening, Becoming
It took multiple attempts for me to begin writing this post. Each time I would draft a few words, it seemed to go off the rails. For many of us, it seems fitting after the year we have endured. Some may not identify with what I have to say; others will be nodding their head in understanding. Either way, I am writing solely from my own experience.
As the year of the wood snake prepares to come to a close, the shedding can begin. This could be anything and everything from clothes in our closet to a career that brings no joy to relationships that have dissolved.
Winter solstice is known for being the darkest day of the year, and yet, it is also the exact moment when the light begins to return. In prepping for this post, I scrolled through my phone, looking at photos from this year. I am extremely fortunate to have created some beautiful memories with friends, family, and myself. Just to name a few- exploring mountains through the Hudson Valley, passing my licensure exam, attending theater and music with those who have the same passion for the arts, many coffee walk and talks or dinners with dear friends, and our annual family girl’s trip.
Last month, I went home for Thanksgiving; the first time in several years. While it was too quick of a trip, I was able to see a few of my favorite people. I asked to take a photo with one of them and she said, “You love to take pictures!.” And she’s not wrong. One never knows when it might be the last time. In April, we had a mini family reunion when I went to visit my aunt and uncle and a handful of pictures were taken. Little did any of us know, three weeks later my uncle would take his last breath. Through the grief, I strive to see the light- he was a wonderful human being who lived life to the fullest. He and I had deep, meaningful conversations that spanned from our love of sports to politics to music. I bought his 1957 Silvertone electric guitar on that last trip I saw him and it is my most prized possession.
In addition to the sadness and grief of his death, I also feel like our world is a dumpster fire. Marginalized communities continue to be under attack, people are losing access to quality resources for food, healthcare, and housing, there continue to be mass shootings, and climate change is causing more frequent and extreme weather patterns. For me, and countless others I have had conversations with, it feels extremely challenging to find light in such darkness.
“Life is glorious but life is also wretched. It is both…One inspires us, the other softens us.”
- Pema Chödrön
This year, I have really leaned on my meditation practice to help soften some of the intense feelings and thoughts that come to surface. Practicing in community is extremely important to me, as connecting with others is one of my fundamental values. And, I also realized how important and valuable a solitary retreat is. I intentionally structured the retreat to focus my study and practice on compassion for self and others. This included both Tonglen and Metta meditation. A few things I have learned this past year is how my practice has assisted me in creating a gap between stimulus and response, how I am better able to recognize habitual patterns, and am developing inquiry about how my practice influences all other aspects of my life. There are days where my practice feels inspiring, days where it feels soft, and days where it overlaps.
The snake (both literally and figuratively) teaches us to release what has grown tight, outdated, or too small, and to trust the intelligence of the body, mind, and spirit as it restructures itself from the inside out. The cycles and rhythms of personal growth and change, as one nurtures themself with compassion, allows for rest and reflection. When we make time to acknowledge the gifts of Spirit we cultivate a greater capacity to receive our own inner light.
